I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You sat on my knee, like Santa, while I peed.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
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