Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
He offered to buy me free breakfast if I stayed at the hotel overnight with him. I then realized they have a complimentary breakfast.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
april was a good month for me, sexually...doubled my number, had a threesome, fucked a girl for the first time and two different boys in one night. there should be a medal
Randomize
