is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize
