it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Randomize
