this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
