So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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