tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
