I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
are you listening to the theme from Jurassic Park whilst pooping?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
Randomize