Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
