Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I think I have vodka in my lungs
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
