Is it normal to miss your booty call?
so explain again why im purple
no
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
