i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
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