Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
My roommate just google searched "cumming blood" using my laptop. Her boyfriend is in her room, she looks scared. Words cannot explain how hilarious this is.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize
