I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
True. I'd rather snort cocaine off a homeless guy then work on the weekend...Actually that may not be that bad.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Do you think that my Facebook profile picture kinda look like im being raped by a 10 foot polar bear ?
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
