His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
"Accidentally" bump into him after class.
I'm gonna "accidentally" put his dick in my mouth.
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
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