he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I wasn't trying to be rude when I hurriedly walked past you, but I can not put in to words exactly how bad I had to shit.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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