is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Did you just say he wants to put a baby inside me?
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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