I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
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