I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
