He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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