I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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