No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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