tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
