I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
Take a shit and have a hit. It's the Sunday Funday Rule.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
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