Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
