He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I love that there are toys on the counter. Coffee, tea, wine bottles, gag ball, and handcuffs.
My kitchen gets me.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
Randomize
