My room smells like vodka and shame
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm gonna sell my eggs for cash
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
