That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
worst night to have a conscience
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
