Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
