Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Somehow I woke up next to the bouncer who kicked us out of the bar last night...
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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