new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
I didn't notice because vodka
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Randomize
