My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Randomize
