If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize