Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
