I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
