As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
