did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
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