you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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