Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize