Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
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