I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Randomize
