You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Randomize
