Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
