and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I mean I found and stalk his moms facebook.. that obsessed.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
you left your anal beads in the dishwasher
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
