Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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