The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
