I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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