New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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