Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
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