now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
