I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
I feel that my cleavage set an unattainably high bar for 2013.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Idk... I'm not sure why anyone would use a flesh light in general. Let alone hook it up to a wifi device.
Randomize
