never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
Randomize
