You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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