we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Randomize
