You smell like a Billy Joel song
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics
four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
he congratulated me on my ability to grow long hair after pulling it to see if i had extensions
We are buying drugs from a guy with a Jesus fish on his dodge caravan.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
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