he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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