Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
