My nipple is on Facebook.
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
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