the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
