his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
