:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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