Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
how goes living off caffiene and alcohol?
i may have recently shit my pants. on two separate occasions.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
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