Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Randomize
