can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
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