Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
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