I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
We ran out of things to say while we were playing Never Have I Ever so we started playing I Have Done This... Have You?
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
