I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Randomize
