bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
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