I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
