Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
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