Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
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