lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize