Swine flu. Run for my life!
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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