Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
Randomize
