There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
Yeaaaaa...im super disgusted with myself lol...which is interesting, considering all of the things I have done in my life...
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